The monster from within

i hear about your troubles and I feel sympathy

but your actions

invoke feelings and desires

that I’m not proud of

i feel like i’m some sort of monster

waking from within wishing

that you suffer

suffer like I did

you destroyed my marriage

or perhaps it was already over

but I didn’t have the opportunity 

to really have a chance

to save something that was already sinking

my voice is so utterly quieted

nothing like it was before when I was obliviously happy

nothings perfect

but my voice is still gone

so gone that these words are echoing through my head

in the voice of eminem

perhaps I feel like he could tell my story better

you brought destruction

and then you expect me to be your friend as you mother my child

but then the bitterness creeps in

I don’t want him back

and in fact I”m better off but the feelings are still so raw

even thought it’s been 8 years since he said he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be married anymore

he had no business getting married again

he said he didn’t want to be with me since I got sick when I was pregnant with our son

now look at you

trumping that illness with your own…you should think now

he’ll probably dump you too for another girl…probably a student…..or another teacher…which is his mo

then you will understand 

what the mother fucking hell you put me through

Teaching

For any of you considering going into teaching, I just responded to an email request that really made me reflect with my response. Whew.... I think I need some more coffee:)

Hi Cheryl,
Hope you are well.  I am looking for a little insight into the world of academia.
My husband and I had a baby boy this past June and I cannot possibly imagine returning to the ridiculously long hours of production - typically 12 a day!
I am considering looking for some teaching opportunities but would first like to hear from an insider what it's like!
Hope to hear from you,

My response:

Congratulations to both of you!

I can tell you that teaching takes a lot of time as well! but some of that can be done from home, so that is a plus. I assume you mean higher education? Depends on the school, but I can tell you when I started as SCAD, I was prepping for classes and grading mostly from home. In class contact hours were 20 hours per week for a full load, I was teaching 5 so it was 25 hours in class, 4-6 hours required office hours, not to mention the 30 minutes before/between/after. So actual "work" hours were about 35 hours a week. Grading 80-100 students was cyclical; with 3-5 projects per quarter. It takes me about an hour to grade 15 students projects (we're talking character rigs that need to be troubleshot). Ad to that the prep time for class (usually 4-5 hours of prep time per 2.5 hour class, per week) As time goes on and you repeat a class, that gets quicker. Then there were meetings once a quarter for various committees, peer evaluations, open houses, and paperwork at the end of the quarter (quarterly reports, student comments, final grades)

UCF is a bit different for me since I'm on tenure track. I have been teaching a lighter load (2 per semester) but the number of students is greater (35 per class instead of 20) This year I'm teaching 3 per semester. This semester I'm teaching my first studio online class, which has 85 students. They have weekly assignments (15 total) and 7 semester projects. It takes me about 6-8 hours on Monday just to grade their work for that one class. 6 hours required office hours as well. Our class contact hours are 5 per week per course as well. Grade paperwork and annual reports are required at UCF too.

In addition to teaching at UCF I have creative work: writing books, working on animated films, etc. And service; committees after committees. LOL I'm a faculty senator, on the graduate policy committee, undergraduate curriculum committee, library representative, and I'm on a hiring search committee.

At SCAD, 4 quarters a year = 40 weeks/12 weeks off (but really more like 8: the weeks before the quarters were not "off" as I was prepping and getting ready)

At UCF I don't work summers. I teach only Fall and Spring semesters so I roughly have off 2 weeks at Christmas, but my summer is long and wonderful: May, June, and July. I still am usually working on my writing and creative work during that time, however.

I remember Phil Young, an animator from Disney who worked with me at SCAD for sometime telling me, "Gee, I thought I would get a break leaving production to teach. I have never worked this hard at Disney."

To be a good teacher and impact your students positively, it takes plenty of time, commitment, and did I mention time? Nathanael was in  daycare from 6 am to 6 pm for most of his life. Still is. He gets dropped off early at before school care, and picked up late most of the week. Working at UCF actually allows me to spend more time with him since I have this weird commute thing happening. I pick him up after school at 3:30 on Mondays and occasional Fridays. I never got to do that working at SCAD. I finish in April and Start 3 weeks after he does in August, so most of August and May I get to pick him up at 3:30 after school, too. (and a couple weeks in December).

Sorry this is so long, but I hope it gives you a clearer view of teaching. If you have more questions, please ask.

time goes on

Michael has seen the therapist only for about 5 times over the last 10 weeks. I am getting frustrated and not doing what I should be doing. He is getting agitated. I hear it gets worse before it gets better. I still have hope. I just need to learn how to shut my mouth and do what I'm supposed to do. I still love him with all my heart. I wish he could feel the same way about me again. I really messed up this week. I hope he can look past that and keep going. As of today, it doesn't look like I'll be going to Hawaii.

The Journey

about 6 weeks ago, Michael told me he didn't think that he wanted to be married anymore. It wasn't me, he said. He just didn't like the idea of marriage anymore.

After limbo for four weeks, information surfaced which required me to demand he see a therapist. We started going to marriage counseling this past week. The therapist is going to be seeing Michael for a few sessions alone to try to get to the bottom of his depression.

I'm praying that things work out. I love him so much.

New Year, New Expectations

Last semester, I came up with an "everyday to do" list:

Journal
Write a paragraph on a project
work for an hour on a project
paint something
exercise for 30 minutes
draw something

I have realized that I have too high expectations of myself. I need to pull back and make this a "weekly to do" list, except for exercise. That's it..that is what I plan to do this semester. If I get more done..then GREAT. I will at least do these every week. Here goes!

Journaling

Today I start journaling. I'm going to do this on this blog since I know it is already set up to go and I can just keep adding to it. I was thinking about my new years resolution. Every year I try to do something to improve myself. This year I think I will focus on helping others. Indirectly, I think this will do me more good than anything else I have tried. Everyday I will try to do a random act of kindness, even if it is as simple as letting someone onto the freeway or opening a door. Once a month I am going to try to do something greater. Perhaps volunteer at the hospital. or at an old folks home. I'll become the hug lady. Someone who goes around and hugs people. That sounds nice.

The other thing I'm going to do is exercise everyday. I need to. I'm sorry it hasn't been instilled in me and that I haven't passed it on to my kids. I am going to try to start that this year. Better late than never.

I'll call it Project Me. Be good to yourself, nobody else will. - Steve Perry

Nathanael's 4th Birthday